Long ago and far away,
        In a land that time forgot,
        Before the days of Dylan,
        Or the dawn of Camelot.

        There lived a race of innocents,
        And they were you and me,
        Long ago and far away
        In the Land That Made Me Me.

       Oh, there was truth and goodness
        In that land where we were born,
        Where navels were for oranges,
        And Peyton Place was porn.

        For Ike was in the White House,
        And Hoss was on TV,
        And God was in His heaven
        In the Land That Made Me Me.

        We learned to gut a muffler,
        We washed our hair at dawn,
        We spread our crinolines to dry
        In circles on the lawn.

        And they could hear us coming
        All the way to Tennessee,
        All starched and sprayed and rumbling
        in the Land That Made Me Me.

        We longed  for love and romance,
        And waited for the prince,
        And Eddie Fisher married Liz,
        And no one's seen him since.

        We danced  to "Little Darlin'",
        And Sang to "Stagger Lee"
        And cried for Buddy Holly
        In the Land That Made Me Me.

        Only girls wore earrings then,
        And three was one too many,
        And only boys wore flat-top cuts,
        Except  for Jean McKinney.

        And only in our wildest dreams
        Did we expect to see
        A boy named George, with Lipstick
        In the Land That Made Me Me.

        We fell  for Frankie Avalon,
        Annette was oh, so nice,
        And when they made a movie,
        They never made it twice.

        We didn't have a Star Trek Five,
        Or Psycho Two and Three,
        Or Rockey-Rambo Twenty
        In the Land That Made Me Me.

        Miss  Kitty had a heart of gold,
        And Chester had a limp,
        And Reagan  was a Democrat
        Whose co-star was a chimp.

        We had a Mr Wizard,
        But not a Mr T,
        And Oprah couldn't talk, yet
        In the Land That Made Me Me.

        We had our share of heroes,
        We never thought they'd go,
        At least not Bobby Darin,
        Or Marilyn Monroe.

        For youth was still eternal,
        And life was yet to be,
        And Elvis was forever,
        In the Land That Made Me Me.

        We'd  never seen the rock band
        That was Grateful to be Dead,
        And Airplanes weren't named Jefferson,
        And Zeppelins weren't Led.

        And Beatles lived in gardens then,
        And Monkees in a tree,
        Madonna was a virgin
        In the Land That Made Me Me.

        We'd  never heard of Microwaves,
        Or telephones in cars,
        And babies might be bottle-fed,
        But they weren't grown in jars.

        And pumping iron got wrinkles out,
        And  "gay" meant  fancy-free,
        And dorms were never coed
        In the  Land That Made Me Me.

        We hadn't seen enough of jets
        To talk about the lag,
        And microchips were what was left at
        The bottom of the bag.

        And Hardware was a box of nails,
        And bytes came from a  flea,
        And rocket ships were fiction
        In the Land That Made Me Me.

        Buicks came with portholes,
        And side show came with freaks,
        And bathing suits came big enough
        To cover both your cheeks.

        And Coke came just in bottles,
        And skirts came to the  knee,
        And Castro came to power
        In the Land That  Made Me Me.

        We had no Crest with Fluoride,
        We had no Hill Street Blues,
        We all wore superstructure bras
        Designed by Howard  Hughes.

        We had no patterned pantyhose
        Or Lipton herbal tea
        Or  prime-time ads for condoms
        In the Land That Made Me  Me.

        There  were no golden arches,
        No Perriers to chill,
        And  fish were not called Wanda,
        And cats were not called Bill.

        And  middle-aged was thirty-five
        And old was forty-three,
        And ancient was our parents
        In the Land That Made Me Me.

        But all things have a season,
        Or so we've heard them say,
        And now instead of Maybelline
        We swear by  Retin-A.

        And they send us invitations
        To join AARP,
        We've come a  long way, baby,
        From the Land That Made Me Me.

        So now we face a brave new world
        In slightly larger jeans,
        And wonder why they're using
        Smaller print in magazines.

        And we tell our children's children
        of the way it used to be,
        Long ago, and far away
        In the Land That Made Me Me


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